Ramen Samurai
by Inspector Spinda
Summary: (AU) Where Goemon is the owner of a ramen shop, slicing up ramen at lighting speed with his Zantetsuken. This is what happens when I get bored. Parody chapter 28 of the manga and episode 5 of green jacket.


Ishikawa Goemon the Thirteenth drew his blade and made several neat cuts in the air before sheathing the sword. As it clicked shut, he flipped a bowl into the air and caught each strand of perfectly cut noodle.

"Wanderful! Wanderful!" a voice cried, following by the sound of applause.

"Your applause is unnecessary and unwanted." he replied. "What I do is no performance."

"You're chopping noodles with a samurai sword in a ramen shop." his visitor cried. "No performance, my ass."

"Who are you? Why have you come here?" he asked as he sprinkled a handful of spices onto the noodles and slid it across the table to his eagerly awaiting customer.

"Lupin the Third." the man grinned, sticking out a hand. "And why else would I come here, but to observe your one of a kind craftsmanship in action?" Lupin gestured to a bearded man beside him. "My associate Jigen especially would like to put your skills test."

"Come on Goemon Ishikawa!" Jigen taunted. "You and me!" Suddenly, the customer Goemon had just served, who had overheard their conversation, walked over to him and slammed his palm down on the counter.

"And I'll be the judge of such test!" he declared.

"Who are you?" Lupin asked.

"Inspector Koichi Zenigata!" he announced, proudly.

"Are you a cop?"

"No." he replied. "Why would you think that?"

"No reason." Lupin replied sheepishly.

"I'm a Health Inspector." he explained, flashing his badge. "I'm in charge of the entire restaurant district."

"Oh, I see."

"Let's begin." Goemon decided. He tossed a lump of dough in the air and unsheathed his sword. Several swipes later, another perfect bowl of noodles filled the bowl. He continued on, chopping up beef and carrots in the same fashion and adding it to the bowl. When he finished his creation, he pushed the bowl in front of Zenigata who slurped it up and nodded in approval.

"Our turn." Lupin said, turning to Jigen who tossing a lump of dough into the air as Goemon did. But instead of drawing a sword, he pulled out a revolver and fired six shots into the dough. He raced for a bowl and caught the dough as it fell.

Lupin peered into the bowl. Instead of a bowl of noodles, there was a set of lumpy spheres. He pulled Jigen close and whispered something into his ear. The two of them stared at each other for a few seconds before Jigen offered a shrug.

"What are these?" Zenigata asked, examining the odd lumps.

"Our specialty dish!" Lupin proclaimed, hastily. "The Ramen Ball!" Zenigata eyed the lumps for a moment before shoving one into his mouth, only spit it out a moment later.

"What the-" he gagged as he pulled several bullets out from inside his mouth.

"W-wow, how did those get there?" Lupin chuckled, innocently.

"Let me see your restaurant permit." the Heath Inspector demanded.

"Er... yeah well I think I left them back at the shop." he stammered. "Which is closed until... forever! Bye!"

"Hold it!" Zenigata shouted as Lupin and Jigen bolted towards the door. He grabbed a string of dough from the counter and flung one end at the escapees. The dough string wrapped itself around Lupin's neck and pulled him to the ground.

"My ancestors were Health Inspectors for 6 generations! I never let health violations go unpunished!" He reached into Lupin's jacket and pulled out a couple of folded up papers.

Zenigata examined the papers for a moment before lifting them up and shouting, "These are fake-" he started, but Lupin and eaten through the dough string and disappeared.

"Lupin!" he shouted. "Get back here you bastard!"

"He's gone." Goemon reminded him.

"I can see that, dammit!" Zenigata grumbled.

"Then why do you continue to shout?" he asked genuinely. "Did you think he would somehow still be able to hear you?"

"I'll shout when I want to." the Health Inspector insisted.

"I shall retrieve him for you." Goemon offered.

"You?"

"Wasting my time with such a meaningless challenge, is an insult to my blade." Goemon explained, a dark glint in his eye. "And for that, I find his very existence offensive." Zenigata gulped as he watched the samurai cook exit the shop, his sword at his waist.

Goemon ran in the direction Lupin had headed with almost superhuman speed. It wasn't long before he caught up with the wanna-be ramen chef and his companion.

"Hey, Ishikawa!" Lupin shouted, turning his head as he sense the samurai approach. "Here's a little western treat for you! It's called hot sauce!" The man pulled out a red squeeze bottle and squirted out a dark red substance. As soon as the substance touched Goemon's flesh, he felt his entire body be engulfed by flames.

"Now with 100% more real fire!" Lupin giggled triumphantly. As he and Jigen were busy laughed among themselves, Goemon got to his feet and tossed his burning sword at the duo.

"Your sauce is no match for wasabi!" Goemon declared, spreading the flames between the three of them.

"I'm going to kill that guy!" Lupin declared as he dosed the fire from his ash ridden suit. He whipped out his gun just as Goemon withdrew his sword with a string that was tied to the hilt. Lupin pulled the trigger and Goemon raised his blade and sliced the bullet clean in half.

"Wow that was dumb." Lupin muttered as he walked up to Goemon.

"What are you worried about?" Jigen shrugged. "Now we'll have something interesting to write on his headstone: 'Goemon: A dumb-ass killed by two halves of a bullet wound.'"

"Hey, does that count as suicide?" Lupin chirped.

"I don't think so."

"Awww..."


End file.
